Interview: Rarely Asked Questions – John Kearns: Page 2 of 2

6. What do your parents think of your job?

I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t for them. They’ve always been very supportive but only in February kept a newspaper cutting for a teaching bursary. I don’t blame them at all. Success is what family can tell the neighbours. Winning awards helps as they are tangibles. Two blocks of Foster’s branded plastic stand proudly in their front room amongst Toby Jugs, graduation snaps and undisputed, a small bust of Julius Caesar.  In 2011 and 2012 I recorded our Christmas dinners without them knowing and then created a show around them in 2016. For some reason I only told my mum and 91 year old grandmother (who featured heavily) 15 minutes before they saw the show. I think it’s their favourite thing I’ve done.  

7. What’s the worst thing about being a comedian?

Oh, the irregularity of it all! I’ve just read through some other people’s answers to this question as I print out all of these Q&As and it’s the same old stuff. Thinking on it, there’s nothing that would put off my younger self from giving it a go, perversely. 

8. I think you are very good at what you do (that’s why I’m asking these questions). What do you think of you?

I think I’m absolutely fantastic at what I do but I cannot necessarily always do it. 

9. How much do you earn and how much would you like to earn?

The last great taboo! For the past three years I’ve made roughly a quarter of what our Prime Minister makes per annum. Since June last year 90% of my income has come from live work which though a fortunate position to be in is also one I find, frankly, precarious. I would like to earn hundreds of thousands a year.

10. How important is luck in terms of career success – have you had lucky breaks?

Luck and hard work of course dovetail, you can’t be lucky if you don’t turn up. You never know who’s in the audience. Having said that though there are some lucky bastards out there, of which I’m probably one.

11. Alan Davies has said that comedians fall into two categories - golfers and self-harmers. The former just get on with life, the latter are tortured artists. Which are you – or do you think you fit into a third category?

I’m neither of these, I don’t understand what he is talking about*. Sounds like he’s panicked to an interviewer and started waffling. I guarantee he doesn’t remember saying this. The only category I fit that hasn’t wavered for the past five years is a 32"-34” waist.

12. Who is your favourite person ever and why – not including family or friends or other comedians?

Gilbert and George I think you could argue are one person. I find their work inspiring and very funny. "We look at the raw material of life. We prefer to come out of the front door, it’s been raining, there’s a puddle there, and there’s a bit of vomit from a Chinese takeaway, there’s a pigeon eating it, there’s a cigarette end, and that’s all there is. And then you know what it is.” Couldn’t agree more.

13. Do you keep your drawers tidy and if not why not? (please think long and hard about this question, it's to settle an argument with my girlfriend. The future of our relationship could depend on your response).

You seem to have been having this argument for nearly four years now so I’d say let it go or maybe there’s a bigger issue here? I’m no expert though, trust me!

*He told me this in this interview and I don't think he was waffling. In fact I've heard similar versions of this idea before and since. It sounds pretty astute to me, though obviously it's a bit binary and there is some overlap sometimes.

 

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