1. Don't forget your notebook.

2. But more importantly don't lose your notebook. Nothing could be worse than it falling into the wrong hands. I dropped mine in the Pleasance Courtyard in Edinburgh a few years ago. I gave up hope of finding it, but on the off-chance asked at the bar a few days later and there it was, sitting by the till in a brown envelope. The person who handed it in had clearly read a bit of my scribbling because they had written on the envelope "some kind of journalist." If i ever write my autobiography that will be the title.

3. Arrive on time, but not too early. I like to slip in just before the lights go down. I don't really want to talk to anyone before the gig. Or during the gig. Or after the gig for that matter actually. I like to form my own opinions.

4. Sit at the back. I've written about this a lot on my website recently but there is currently a big vogue for immersive/interactive comedy. Not just the where you from?/what do you do? Dara O'Briain/Ross Noble variety, but the i'm gonna strip down to my pants and roll on the floor with you variety or the I'm gonna ask you to feed me liquid by dribbling it from your mouth variety as perpetrated by Nick Helm and Adam Riches respectively. See also Dr Brown and Brian Gittins. If a performer wants a good, unbiased review keep me out of it. 

5. Don't be too long. In America even the biggest stars rarely do more than an hour, in the UK major comedians usually think they need to do nearly two hours. Less is more, particularly if I have to get home and file an overnight review.

6. Acts shouldn't pander to critics, they should entertain paying punters. but at the same time critics cannot resist showing how many gigs they go to by marking you down for familiar hack subjects – airport security, self-service checkouts, dressage.

7. Critics are jaded. We need surprises. There's nothing wrong with straightforward observational stand-up but anything that shakes it up a little will help. Well, maybe not everything. No ukeleles please. Though Jon Richardson did subvert this very well in his last show. 

8. Stand-up comedians are very good golfers. I'm not just talking Bruce Forsyth and Ronnie Corbett. i'm talking Carl Donnelly, Chris Martin, Alistair Barrie & John Robins and others who play in the annual industry v comedians tournament in Edinburgh every summer. Must be something to do with timing. Or having a lot of time to waste during the day.

9. Just write what you think in reviews, but don't be a smartarse. Make it an entertaining read but don't pretend you know how the stand-up should do their act better than the stand-up. Just write about your response to it. 

10. Go to the toilet when you feel you need to go. Don't try and hold it in. At best it will distract you, at worst it will give you a kidney infection. i've only once stopped to urinate by the side of the road on the way home and that was after an Armstrong & Miller gig at the Swan Theatre in High Wycombe. I don't think the act had anything to do with it, but maybe I just wanted to get our of High Wycombe as quickly as possible. I suppose I should have written in my review "Armstrong & Miller nearly made me wet myself." True, but not in the way they'd have liked.

11. Don't forget your pen.

12. And a spare pen.