Bob Mortimer is the first guest on a new podcast, Outsiding, presented by Caitlin Moran and Adam Frost. During their chat in Moran's north London garden, Bob talks about subjects ranging from his outdoorsy childhood, taking his pants down at school, pubs, what makes a good walk, Ricky Gervais and pranks with kebabs on tour with Vic Reeves. 

Below are some of Bob's quotes

Outsiding is available on all podcast providers and YouTube.

BOB MORTIMER QUOTES

BOB ON THE FRIENSHIP OF A GARDEN

“You know, as you get older, the garden can be a very good friend. You know, you can nurture it, watch its progress, see its failures, you know, attend to them. You know, it is a very good friend, your garden. And they don't talk back do they.”

BOB ON HIS OUTDOORSY CHILDHOOD

“I was lucky to live up north- in a smallish town, so the countryside was just there, you know, it was just a bike ride just a 10-minute bike ride. So yeah, there was that lovely escape. Parents couldn't see you, couldn't hear you. You know, no adults could see or hear you. You could take your pants down if you wanted to you know.”

“I would do a lot of gardening for my mum 'cause she was on her own and she had no interest. But of course, she was from that era where it would've been a great shame to her in terms of the neighbourhood if it wasn't kept tidy. So, us boys did that, trimmed the lawns and dug it over and— kept it neat and tidy. But yes, I had a playing field next to me, a playing field opposite, and um, football was my life. And so, it was just go home, football, called in over the fence, baked beans on toast, football, gets dark, come in, you know. Same at school really, get out of that classroom, play football. You know, so much football, which I don't regret.”

BOB ON TAKING HIS PANTS DOWN AT SCHOOL

 “I took my pants down at school when I was in infant school. 'Cause I think I had some Wacky Races underpants or something I was proud of. But the teacher saw that, and I got a letter sent home to the family. 'Cause it doesn't sound great, does it? It was incredibly innocent. Hey, look at me undies.”

“Yeah, that was a big deal. And that was the— yeah, that was kind of the TikTok of the day. Taking your pants down.”

BOB ON FASHION

“When I first did the fishing show [Mortimer and Whitehouse: Gone Fishing], I wore like, I think it was a Ralph Lauren sort of combat jacket thing- thinking I might look cool. And then I went to a non-waterproof but stylish one. But then just like as you end up in gardening, I've now ended up with the correct waterproof jacket that does the job properly. That's quite a nice thing about ageing, that is that you don't really care. I mind you; I never really have.”

BOB ON WHAT MAKES A GOOD WALK

“I get an Airbnb with the wife, and we go somewhere just for that reason, to walk. And we go Cotswolds. Lake District. And Devon, Somerset. Round there and just walk. The Cotswolds is really good for walking. And I mean, I don't know if you agree, the main thing about a walk, the success, we rate each walk afterwards. The main thing is, is not to see anyone else. Punctures it as soon as you see someone coming towards you. It's a different— it's a different- experience. And the Cotswolds is funny enough because it's such a popular place, but it's great for empty walks, the Cotswolds.”

BOB ON PUBS

“I love a pub, and I spent my childhood and beyond in pubs. I was talking to Paul when we were doing Gone Fishing last week. It's hard to put a figure on the amount of time I've spent in pubs, you know, like we're trying to slice up our lives- and I think, I mean, sleep obviously and stuff, but pubs would have been very high up there. But I don't really go. You lose your friends, you have kids and so on, and knocked it out of me. So, it's such a treat now. Something really resonates me with the pub. Happy times.”

“It's a pint, yeah. And, um, say the Woolpack Pub in Slad, you know, get some nice food. 3 pints. What a moment. Onto the sofa, remote. Yeah, Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. That's a great day out.”

BOB ON THE BEST TREE

“I've been enjoying having that app that tells you what the trees are. 'Cause I like a lot of people, you know, 67 years old and I don't know any of the trees. So, I'm getting a bit better at that, and I enjoy that. Oak's the best. It's like with cheese, Stilton's the best. You can go, yeah, yeah, yeah, but Stilton's the best cheese.”

BOB ON THE LONG SHOE

“I mean, it's amazing, I don't know. I tried to make entertaining books and- I think we're in a period of time where we're really dumbing down. [laughs] No, I don't mean that. I mean that, you know, like, do you know the great Oxbridge years? Where people admired, you know, like your knowledge of poetry or your use of language and so on. And so on. I don't think people are so arsed these days. I think they want entertainment in a book. And that's, you know, that sounds a bit up my arse, but I try to make it them entertaining, really.” 

BOB ON TOWEL KEBABS

“When me and Jim were sort of like at the height of what we were doing, you know, people threw tellies out of you know- that sort of rebel-y thing. Our thing was, was we'd say we're in Sheffield, we'd find the nearest kebab house, get two doners, yeah, but we'd get one of the towels from the bathroom, put it on the bed, and just pour the kebab on it and tuck in, and leaving a dirty towel.”

BOB ON SNEAKING ITEMS INTO SHOPPING TROLLIES

“I don't do it anymore because of the anger it caused. But, yeah, but it was mainly what I like to do is, in some of the shops, you can get a really big washing-up powder. I just like to try and sneak one of them in the wife's trolley.”

BOB ON BEING THE FIRST OUT OF THE CINEMA

“I go to the pictures with my eldest son, and I'm obsessed at being the first out of the cinema. It gives me a real thrill. You know, so it says, 'Finished,' and bang!”

BOB ON WHY PEOPLE GET INTO GARDEN

“I think because, you know, your life does shrink. It just does. You know, you try your best, but, you know, life just shrinks. You don't go see so many people, but you've got that lovely escape just the other side of the window and it's something to do. It's a very practical way of filling a day, you know.”

“And it is an unfolding story, you know, and that you, when you've retired or you're getting older, there's not much of a story left to involve yourself in really. You know, your ambitions have gone and so on, so there's a nice little story just be on the back door to start off. And it is amazing. I've just had, just as I was arriving here, got a photograph from the wife showing me our first tomato. And yeah, it's a big day.”

BOB ON GETTING OLDER

“You know, I'm older than you, it really, you know, you're in this, this battle as you get older against, you kind of, there's a little drive within you- that wants to say the world is awful and I'll be glad when I'm gone, just to ease that journey- you know, like, and it's a real battle against that. So, you do start finding joy just in old memories, not so much happening in your life, but you know, old memories just to keep- a bit of joy in your brain to stop you just saying, oh, I hate this place, everything's gone to shit, I wish I was dead. But there's a lot of it, you are fighting against it. A lot of the time.”

BOB ON BIODOMES

“One of the ones that seems to resonate with people that they buy into is this biodome. We researched it for the show um, and there's a Swedish school where they split the children down the middle and half of them played at playtime on an AstroTurf concrete, you know, that sort of thing. And half of them played in the mud, and then they examined their biome. And the results were incredible, because- stomping around in the mud and the dirt and that is so good- for your gut health.”

“Parents these days just won't feed the kids mud, will they?”

BOB ON HIS DAD

“I have two memories of my dad. One of them is just odd because I was so young. He was just walking out of the downstairs toilet, and I've got that little image. And the other little image I have, he took us fishing and he was stood on a bank near this little bridge, and he caught a pike. But it's just a second, 2 seconds. That's my memories of my dad. Nothing else. Well, for years me and my brothers have been searching for this place where we fished. And because of Gone Fishing's resources, I found it, we found it. And last week we went to it, and I stood on the very spot that I see in this 1-second clip- and said goodbye to my dad. And it was quite nice.”

BOB ON BOXING LES DENNIS AND RICKY GERVAIS

“I had a fight; I had a boxing match once with Les Dennis and I won. Les Dennis, bang! Ricky Gervais. Not so good. They gave it to him on points. But who had the black eye afterwards?”