What is the last thing you do before you go onstage (apart from check your flies and/or check your knickers aren't sticking out of your skirt and check for spinach between your teeth) 

Urinate. I’m always scared that I’ll be mid-show and really have to pee, but it’s never happened, and I suppose that’s because I always pee before going onstage.

What irritates you?   

Young hot people giving fitness or nutrition advice. It’s like a billionaire’s child giving you business advice. The only advice they actually have to give is “be born lucky”.

What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done? 

Tell my mother I’m quitting the law to become a stand-up comedian.

What is the most stupid thing you have ever done? 

Aggressively enter a conversation between Jodie Foster and Dame Kristin Scott Thomas at a post Emmy awards party when I was impossibly drunk.

What has surprised you the most during your career in comedy? 

Just how bad, boring, and toothless most comedy about President Donald Trump has been.

What do your parents think of your job?  

My mom is still somewhat angry I didn’t decide to do something more respectable with my life, and she refuses to watch most of my television appearances because she’s reasonably certain I’ll graphically describe gay sex, criticize her, or somehow figure out how to do both at the same time. 

What’s the worst thing about being a comedian? 

Finding parking.

I think you are very good at what you do (that’s why I’m asking these questions). What do you think of you? 

I think I’m very good at writing jokes and performing, but I fundamentally question if what I do is fun. Like, are people having a good time? Is this enough of an entertainment to be their Saturday night? And I always worry that my jokes only really make sense to me. I do think I’m a very good television writer, though, and a great cook. 

How much do you earn and how much would you like to earn? 

Before the writer's strike in the US, I made around $350,000 most years, but since the strike, television work has been much lighter, and I’ve been making significantly less. I’d like it if I could be making more. Making less money has been annoying, but I think it’s very important to remember what a fun thing I get to do, and that one of the costs of that is some degree of financial instability. Part of my job is to put my art before my income. 

How important is luck in terms of career success – have you had lucky breaks? 

Luck influences our lives in innumerable ways, and I’ve had powerful moments of good and bad luck that influenced my career. The first movie I was in was because the director’s wife randomly saw me on a late night panel show and thought I was funny. I’ve never gotten cast in anything from an audition, I pretty much only get to be in things because someone decided to write a role for me. I think that’s a kind of luck. But I also deeply believe we create luck by putting ourselves into the world and being positive.

Alan Davies has said that comedians fall into two categories - golfers and self-harmers. The former just get on with life, the latter are tortured artists. Which are you – or do you think you fit into third category? 

I think there’s a third category: Librarians. Comedians who are constantly watching, judging, and evaluating in their own minds. Not tortured artists or efficient professionals, just quietly depressive souls who are trying to make sense of the world, and are terrified it doesn’t add up.

Who is your favourite person ever and why – not including family or friends or other comedians? 

Victoria Coren Mitchell. I love a quiz show, and “Only Connect” is the best and the hardest, but Ms. Coren Mitchell’s distinctive brand of smooth snark is what really makes it perfect. I have a life-sized cut-out of her in my office, to always remind me what excellence in media really looks like.

Do you keep your drawers tidy and if not why not? (please think long and hard about this question, it's to settle an argument with my girlfriend. The future of our relationship could depend on your response). 

I’m insanely messy and despite my best attempts to force myself into states of order, my drawers are always slowly descending into chaos.

What is your favorite party trick?

I have a deep love of Canadian history, despite not being Canadian, and no one else particularly  cares about it. One of my favorite things to do, when I find out a person is Canadian at a party, is to pull out a $20 dollar bill and make them ask me any five questions about Canadian History and/or Civics. If I get 3 or more questions right, I keep my money. If they stump me on 3 or more questions, they earn the money.

Recently, I was at a Hollywood industry party, and despite the presence of big, impressive film stars, the people everyone was most excited to meet were the boys from the gay hockey show, “Heated Rivalry” stars Hudson Williams, Connor Storrie and Francois Arnaud.

Every gay man and straight woman present was attempting to flirt with them, but in a chance moment I found myself next to the bar with the very Canadian Hudson Williams.  I realized the most satisfying thing for me would not be lingering in his warm embrace, but making him play a dumb Canadian trivia game with him. I was so flustered, I flubbed the first question (current Prime Minister, certainly not the hardest) but managed to save myself from embarrassment and take my $20 dollars home with me.

It’s important to remember that handsome actors who play big-assed hockey players can bring educational delights as well as erotic ones. 

Guy Branum’s debut stand up show ‘Be Fruitful’ will be at the Gilded Balloon Teviot – Billiard Room at 8.30pm for tickets go to www.edfringe.com

PHOTO CREDIT – MANDEE JOHNSON

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