Interview: Rarely Asked Questions – Tez Ilyas: Page 2 of 2

6. What do your parents (delete as applicable) think of your job?

Dad’s a big fan, mum has come round to the idea now those big* comedy club cheques are coming in!



7. What’s the worst thing about being a comedian?

It’s fuckin’ lonely sometimes. There’s only so many podcasts with comedians talking to other comedians about comedians and comedy that one can listen to.

8. I think you are very good at what you do (that’s why I’m asking these questions). What do you think of you?

Aw, thank you. I think I’m very good too. As I said in Q.5, I do wish I was better, but I’m really happy with how it’s going. Long may it continue inshAllah.

9. How much do you earn and how much would you like to earn?

I earn a comfortable 5 figures, but I’d like to earn 8 figures. I’d pay my share of tax, save some and spend the rest on a whole manner of things to plug the gaping hole in my life that makes me go on stage and tell jokes to strangers.

10. How important is luck in terms of career success – have you had lucky breaks?

Luck plays a part, I’ve definitely been fortunate to be in the right place at the right times. But luck can only provide you with opportunities, you have to then have the talent, drive and desire to seize those opportunities and make the most of them, which ensures the opportunities keep coming.

11. Alan Davies has said that comedians fall into two categories - golfers and self-harmers. The former just get on with life, the latter are tortured artists. Which are you – or do you think you fit into a third category?

By those definitions, I’d say I’m a golfer. I have glass-half full approach to most things in life and I’m pretty laid-back. Those tortured artists need to stop being pretentious fucks/get the help they need.

12. Who is your favourite person ever and why – not including family or friends or other comedians?

In my lifetime, Muhammad Ali. He taught me that you can succeed in a white man’s world without compromising who you are.

Outside of my lifetime, the Prophet Muhammad. The most perfect human being that ever lived. Don’t @ me.

I clearly have a thing for Muhammad’s.

13. Do you keep your drawers tidy and if not why not? (please think long and hard about this question, it's to settle an argument with my girlfriend. The future of our relationship could depend on your response).

On a day-to-day basis, no. But then once a month I’ll tidy and neaten the feng shui out of them and then I feel really good and I treat myself to an ice-cream.


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