I’m a female comedian, kids. The first time I called out a popular comedian making r*pe jokes was in 2014. I had about 1000 Twitter followers, he had a quarter of a million. I didn’t tag the comedian in question. But he found out, told his followers, and I got to experience my very first online pile-on. By the following morning his dad (his DAD!!!) had said that I was “too ugly to r*pe”. Being too ugly to SA isn’t a thing btw, just in case you needed that pointed out. I know firsthand that it isn’t a thing.
I started in 2009 and I went full-time in 2017. I’ve been performing full-time for nearly a decade. In that time I’ve done some TV, some radio, some voiceover, I’ve made money at the Edinburgh Fringe, something only four comedians have ever done, I sing too and I’ve performed in musicals and cabarets, blending my experience as a comic with a well good voice (scholarship to the Royal Academy of Music, omg stop making a big deal out of it). I’m not a household name. I’m several echelons below ever getting on Taskmaster. But I’m not nothing and I’ve been around a while and sometimes every day you see men in comedy behaving appallingly. And occasionally I’ll call it out. Coz I’m fucking furious. I don’t like being this way, angry all the time. But I am. I’m burning. And I’m starting to feel weird if there isn’t that fire in my chest, so often do these men behave like women are excrement. And if I call it out you can guarantee variations on these replies:
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“I’ve never even heard of you” Congrats on…not knowing something, son. But now you have heard of me.
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“It’s called a joke, get a sense of humour” Hello chuckles, just gonna make the same joke back at you but it’s your mum who’s the wh*re at the gym or the r*pe victim, ha ha, is it still funny? Jk Jk I actually wouldn’t do that.
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“You are so ugly, he’ll never shag you” Is that a promise? Please say it’s a promise. I don’t know if me being ugly is relevant but are you saying that if I looked like your dream girl (usually Kelly Brook in about 2003) you’d go “fair enough, you make a good point, ma’am”? Coz that’s pathetic.
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“You’re just jealous lol” I mean…I too would like to be a successful comedian who makes a ton of money and has the industry at my feet, yes. But I’d also like to have the career of Lady Gaga and you don’t see me posting about how shit her jokes are.
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“Have you tried saying something funny?” Oh boy, have I! Yes I have. I try really hard, all the time. I’ve written and performed twelve Edinburgh hours and have two filmed specials on Go Faster Stripe and people really like them. Not everyone, but lots of people. I regularly smash nights in all sorts of venues, from arts centres to theatres to comedy clubs…I’m not the best comedian going by a long shot but I’m good and I really really try, every time I perform. I’m great on podcasts, I’m a decent writer. I even do popular short-form content online. And I try every single time. So yes, I have tried being funny. Maybe some men who resort to low-grade gags that degrade women should go back to trying, like they did when they were younger and hungrier. Speaking of…
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“You are old!” Much like “you are ugly”, this doesn’t seem relevant to the shit I’m calling out. If I was 23 would you go “fair enough, young lady”. Coz ewwww!
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“Ooooo are you offended?” Yeah, fairly often. Not as offended as men who see a woman they’ve apparently never heard of calling out their emotional support dipshit chauvinist comic and lose their minds about it obviously. But yeah, I do get offended by things, well spotted.
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“You’re just an activist, not a comedian” If that was true I wouldn’t have a tight five about watching England beat Spain on penalties at my cousin’s batmitzvah during Euro 96. It’s a really good bit btw.
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“He just sold out a 20,000 seat venue, what have you ever done?” Written a really good tight five about watching England beat Spain on penalties at my cousin’s batmitzvah during Euro 96. Keep up, angelcheeks.
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“You’re just trying to get some clout” Baby, I can post a video where I put on a £5 wig and pretend to be Nadine Dorries and get nice comments from people who say things like “ha ha ha” and “spot on”, I really don’t need to pretend I think a man has behaved like shit to get some attention.
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“sl*g/b*tch/c*nt” Reported someone on TikTok who called me an “ugly c*nt” (they were uncensored, I just don’t want to upset the delicate algorithm) last night. He just rocked up in my replies and called me that. I reported it and TikTok said it didn’t go against their community guidelines and the comment wasn’t removed and the user wasn’t suspended.
It’s nine years since #metoo, nothing has changed and men are doing better than ever!
Sooz Kempner is at the Pleasance London with her hit show Imposter on November 4. Buy tickets here. And read her regular substack column here. She also has a podcast, Long Distance, Bit Weird. Listen here.
Picture by Steve Ullathorne
